It turns out that it was World Mental Health Day earlier this week, and it made me think of my own struggles with mental health. Ever since I was little, I have dealt with anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. Now, I am not talking about simply wanting everything to look nice and neat all the time. I’m talking about the constant need to convince myself that I did do this, or didn’t do that. Sometimes lying awake at night unable to sleep because my mind is constantly doubting itself, and I have to continuously get up and try to put my mind at ease.
This is a little hard to talk about, because it shows my weakness, and it is somewhat embarrassing to admit that I can’t always get through it by myself even though I so desperately want to. There have been many times where I have felt like a burden to my friends and family who I have asked to help me through things that seem absolutely ridiculous to a normal person. However, I want everyone to know that there is nothing wrong with asking for help. If the people you care about, care about you as well, you won’t be seen as a burden. Everyone has their struggles, and no one expects you to try and fight through all of them by yourself. This is why I want to share just a few of the things I have struggled with throughout the years. I know there are plenty of people who share the same struggles, and I want them to know that they can get through it too.
Do any of you remember how old you were when your parents stopped tucking you into bed at night? I do. I was probably 16 or 17 years old. Sounds pretty pathetic doesn’t it? Unfortunately, I needed my mother’s help getting into bed every night because I couldn’t do it by myself. This is when some of my biggest fears would hit me, and wouldn’t go away no matter how much I wanted them to. See, two of my biggest fears are: 1. Spiders, and all other creepy crawly things; and 2. people breaking into my house with intents to hurt me or my family. My mom had to help me into bed every night, because otherwise I would literally spend hours checking every corner of my room for spiders that could come crawling onto the bed, or people hiding and waiting for me to fall asleep so they could attack. There were nights where I didn’t sleep at all because I could not get my mind to stop worrying. And as much as I tried to just look once and tell myself there’s nothing there and fall asleep, another thought would always creep into my head: “But the one time you don’t look, is when something will be there.” So of course I would be back up looking again in a few minutes. I wish I could say that this has gone away now that I’m older, but it hasn’t. It’s gotten better, no doubts about it, but the feeling isn’t gone. It definitely helps living in the same room with Nathan, because he makes me feel safe, and the obsessive thoughts don’t torture me as much.
There have been plenty of smaller things that have been affected by my OCD as well. Like taking 10 times longer to finish a test, even if I am totally prepared for it because I have to convince myself I put the answers I intended to put; like checking to make sure I set my alarm 20 times before I go to bed at night to make sure I set it for the right time; like making sure dishes are washed the right way, and making sure the laundry is folded a certain way and getting unnecessarily upset if it isn’t. I could go on and on about the things I have to battle with my own mind against everyday.
Dealing with anxiety is a similar story. Part of me thinks the anxiety and the OCD kind of feed off one another to make sure I can never truly relax. I worry about meeting new people and having to converse with them. It actually terrifies me, makes me shake and sweat and want to run away. I hate being in situations where I don’t have complete control, or don’t have all the answers in front of me. I frustrate easily, and cry when I don’t know what to do. I remember sitting in my statistics class my senior year of college, and I don’t even remember what overwhelmed me so much, but I got so worked up I started having a panic attack right there in the middle of class. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, so I tried to slip out unnoticed. I’m sure plenty of people noticed though, how many people leave a classroom gasping for air and nearly in tears? Even though I was embarrassed and scared, I sat down on a bench outside to collect myself and went back to class when I felt like I had snapped myself out of it. It wasn’t the first panic attack I’ve had, and I’m sure it won’t be the last; but, I’ve gotten better at being able to control them, and calm myself down before it gets out of hand. And excuse my language, but I’ll be damned if I let something like my own brain get in the way of living a normal life. Dealing with these mental illnesses can be very challenging, but I try to remind myself everyday that it could be so much worse, and this is something I can at least try to control.
I’m obviously not speaking for everyone out there, because I know some people struggle just as much as I do, and many suffer much more than I do trying to talk back to their own minds. However, I am not going to use it as an excuse. I am not going to give into the fears or compulsive thoughts. I realized at a young age there was something wrong with me, and even though it did take a little while for me to admit I needed help, I’m glad I eventually did. Now I’ve been to three different therapists, been on three or four different medications, and seek help from my loved ones, but that doesn’t make me weak. I thought it did for the longest time, but imagine how I’d be right now if I had never sought help in the first place? Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. Get help if you need it, and if you’d like to reach out to me, I encourage you to do so. I’m always willing to listen, and help if I can. Life is better when you’re happy and take care of yourself. So be a little selfish and take care of yourself. Be in control of your thoughts, and don\’t let you thoughts control you.
Until Next Time 🙂
Megan Reiffenberger