Earlier this week, we had a team meeting where we had to think of a time where we didn’t practice self care. I won’t go into details on what I wrote down, but I’ll just say that I ended up being pretty vulnerable in front of my coworkers. I didn’t know I’d actually have to say what I wrote down out loud, otherwise I probably would have picked something else. 🙂 But I’ve been plenty vulnerable both in person and in my blog before, and after some of the conversations I’ve had this week, it seems like as good a time as any to keep the rhythm going.

A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about my personal struggles with OCD and anxiety. Both of these things have affected my life in so many ways. I’ve been on several different medications, I’ve seen a few different therapists – the whole nine yards. Again, I won’t go into further detail on that. If you’re interested, go back through my older posts and find the one titled Mental Health Awareness from 2018.

So, why am I bringing this up now? Well, towards the end of January, I decided I no longer want to be on my anxiety meds. I was a little hesitant to drop them, as I have tried to drop them before in the past and it didn’t take long for me to feel like I needed them again. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to do it.

However, I thought long and hard about how now is different than the last time I wanted to quit them. First of all, I have so many wonderful things going on in my life right now. I feel like I’m truly happy for the first time in so, so long. That alone is a huge difference compared to the time before. I also feel like I’ve gotten a lot better at calming myself down and talking myself out of anxious or OCD thoughts. Obviously, they still happen and they’re always going to happen, but I’ve gotten a lot better at controlling them.

So, I sat down with my parents and told them I was going to try and quit again. They told me how to ween off of them instead of quitting cold turkey and told me those first few months were going to be really, really hard.

Y’ALL. It frickin sucked.

I joked about it when I was going through the withdrawal symptoms, that I could sympathize with drug addicts. It wasn’t even the bad thoughts coming in that was hard to deal with. It was the constantly feeling sick and dizzy that sucked so much. Plus, coming off of these particular pills, one of side effects was these nerve shocks that ran down my arms and legs. I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced those before, but oh man, they are not fun. It was a very long couple of months, but I powered through.

Now, I can proudly say that I have been completely off these pills for over a month and I feel great. Has it been an adjustment? Sure. I even said in last week’s post that I had a panic attack at the NACA conference. It isn’t going to be butterflies and rainbows all the time, and I won’t deny that there have been a few days over the last month where some dark thoughts have entered my mind. But when I feel these thoughts coming in, I immediately remind myself of all the good things going in my life and it gives me the strength to push through those thoughts until I’m feeling like my normal self again.

Some of you may be wondering: why did I want to get off the pills if I was going to have to work harder at controlling my thoughts and emotions? Honestly, I don’t know if I could explain it well enough for anyone else to understand. Maybe it’s just a personal goal of mine, and I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I don’t know. But I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come, and I hope to continue growing and fighting through the bad thoughts.

I’m also not trying to say that being on anxiety meds is a bad thing, so if you’re taking them, or something similar, don’t feel like it makes you weak. I was on them for years and I know they are a game changer for a lot of people. Staying on them is not a bad thing. I told Dan when I decided to quit them that if he noticed any major changes in my attitude that he needed to tell me so I could get back on them. And if I do end up back on them down the road, is it the end of the world? No! I’m just proud of myself for trying and getting this far.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit trying to get all these thoughts out of my head, so I’ll end with this: for anyone else struggling with mental health issues, you’re not alone! If you need help, find it. If you feel like you can power through on your own, awesome. But don’t feel like you have to. There is no shame in talking to someone. I’ve turned into a pretty open book, so feel free to reach out and we can bond and work through it together.

And no matter what scary or dark thing is going on in your life right now, it isn’t going to last forever! It gets better. And I’m not just saying that. I’ve been in some pretty bad situations and I can tell you with confidence it gets better. You just have to stay strong until you get through to the other side!

Until next time! 🙂

Megan Reiffenberger