This week, I’ve decided to take a little dive into relationships. I’ve had a couple of friends, and even students who have come to talk me recently about their own relationship issues, and it seems fitting to talk about it here as well. Keep in mind that I am by no means an expert on this topic, but I’ve had my own fill of bad relationship experiences, and I have definitely become more perceptive to things that may not be an immediate red flag to those who haven’t experienced it before.

So, with that being said, this week’s blog post is meant to make you think a little bit about the relationship you are currently in. I’m going to provide some of my own experiences as real life examples of a toxic relationship. If any of this sounds like the relationship you are currently in, a conversation with your S.O. may need to be had.

**Also, as a warning, I’m going to get pretty vulnerable in this post, so feel free to stop now if that makes you uncomfortable.

1. You argue a lot.

Obviously, you and your partner are not going to agree on everything, but you should be able to work things out between each other. My last BF and I fought A LOT, especially the longer we were together. We moved into our own place about three years into our relationship, and that’s when the fighting really picked up. I remember asking my mom if she and dad fought a lot when they first moved in together, thinking it was kind of a normal thing. She said they didn’t, and it definitely wasn’t normal. Even so, I swept it under the rug and hoped we would eventually get over it. Long story short: we didn’t.

I’m not saying this was the entire reason, because I definitely wasn’t perfect either, but a big reason for all the fighting was because he refused to admit he ever did anything wrong, even if it was blatantly his fault. He always had a way of turning it around on me and making it look like I was in the wrong. And the stupid part was: I actually believed him! This is toxic behavior, and if it’s something that happens in your relationship, really take the time to think about whether or not it is worth putting up with. Because believe me when I tell you this: if someone refuses to believe what they are doing is wrong, it doesn’t matter how much yelling or fighting you do, they’re not going to change their mind.

2. Emotional/Physical Abuse

I’m here to tell you already that if your partner is physically abusing you, end it. NO ONE deserves that, and there is no good excuse for it. A lot of victims of abuse brush it off thinking they deserved it, or the abuser didn’t actually mean it – nope not true. None of it. They know what they are doing, and unless you started it and are physically harming them, they don’t have a reason to be harming you.

There was one time in my last relationship where I decided to wear a 2XL shirt as a pajama shirt. I got it for free, and liked it, but it was obviously too big for me to wear it in public, so I decided to sleep in it. For whatever reason, it really upset my BF, and in his mind I should just throw it away because it didn’t look good on me. I told him no, and I was just wearing it to bed, so who cares? He told me if I didn’t take it off and throw it away, he’d rip it off of me. I still refused, so he pinned me up against the wall and proceeded to try and rip it off my shoulders. I still remember the crazy look in his eye and no matter how much I screamed at him to stop, he wouldn’t. I locked myself in the bathroom after that and cried because it scared the shit out of me. I had no way of knowing how far he would take that, as he was much stronger than I was.

Mental abuse doesn’t leave a visible mark, but it can be just as damaging. It can range from your S.O. constantly calling you names, putting you down, calling you and your dreams stupid, etc. etc. My last BF constantly called me a b!tch, multiple times a day, every day, for no reason. I told him he could call me that only if I truly was acting like one, but apparently, in his eyes, I was always acting like one. Who knew!?

I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post, that he once told me he didn’t like that I was a secretary, and he wasn’t going to tell anyone what I did for work because it embarrassed him. It was the only job I could find at the time, it paid good, and at least I was working! If your S.O. can’t support you and lift you up when you’re down, leave them. Someone else will treat you like the King or Queen that you are.

3. Cheating.

This should be an immediate red flag, but many – including myself – tend to look past it. “Oh, he felt bad that he did it, he’ll be better.” “At least he told me and I didn’t find out from someone else.” or “He said it will never happen again.” My last BF did cheat on me, fairly early on in our relationship. He told me he did it, and I decided to give him another chance, but if it ever happened again, we were done. Now, there are some people who learn from these kinds of situations and truly do never cheat again. I’m not saying giving them a second chance is always a bad idea, but personally, I don’t know if I could ever do it again. To my knowledge, my last BF never did cheat on me again, but there were quite a few times where he went out drinking with his friends and I didn’t go with, that I always wondered if he did. It definitely breaks your trust, and it’s really hard to come back from, even if they do say they won’t ever cheat again. In my personal opinion, I’d rather try again with someone I know won’t cheat on me than try to get over that hurdle again.

4. Doesn’t get along with your friends or family.

This one can be tricky sometimes, but typically if everyone close to you has an issue with your S.O., that’s usually a pretty good sign that something needs to change. After I had been dating my previous BF for a while, I started to get the feeling that my parents didn’t like him. When I asked, they admitted they didn’t like him, but I refused to believe anything they said, because I didn’t see it – or at least I didn’t want to see it. It was the same with my friends. Many of them started asking me why I was still with him when I could do so much better, and I just tried to laugh it off. They didn’t know him like I did. But they knew enough to see that we were a bad fit. If one or two people question your relationship, it’s one thing; but if literally everyone you know and love questions why you are with someone, that is a big fat red flag, and you need to really sit down and think about why you are in that relationship.

5. Spending time together feels like a chore.

You should never have to beg your S.O. to spend time with you. I understand that not everything I’m interested in, interests others and vice versa, but a relationship is about give and take. If you expect your partner to go do things you want to do, then you should do the same for them. I’ve lost track of how many things I went to with my last BF because he wanted to go – I went to a freaking comic book convention for poop’s sake – and I wanted to support his interests. But if I wanted to go somewhere or do something, he would either come up with a million excuses not to go, get drunk first, complain the entire time, or all of the above. Trust me, it would have been more fun to go alone. Your partner should want to spend time with you, and if it feels like a chore to get them to be with you, end it. It’s not worth the trouble or heartache.

So, there you have it. Five toxic relationship behaviors. If any of these resonate with you, I strongly encourage you to sit back and think long and hard about why you are still in that relationship. Change is scary, trust me I know. I was with this guy for five years, it was super scary to pick up and leave, but also trust me when I say that it’s worth it. I was scared to start over. Scared that I wouldn’t find anyone else because he made me believe I wasn’t loveable. But I did find someone else!

I found someone who is the polar opposite of my last boyfriend. He loves me for me, he makes me so incredibly happy, and I would have never found him if I hadn’t finally pucked up the courage to get out of my last relationship. There is someone for everyone out there, and I can almost guarantee if they do anything I listed above, they probably aren’t that person.

Do what you need to do to be happy. If you can work it out, then great! But if not, don’t get stuck in an unhappy situation. If you need advice or help, I’d be more than happy to do what I can. Life is too short to put up with anything less than what you deserve.

Until next time! 🙂

Megan Reiffenberger